What Are You Tolerating?

The first time I worked with a leadership coach, she asked me this question and it stopped me in my tracks.

I was recognized as a high-performing leader but at the same time, I was tolerating all kinds of behaviors that made me feel “less than”- toxic behavior, misogynist microaggressions, in fighting, having my time wasted, you name it. If it was difficult to manage and it involved people, I was most likely tolerating it rather than facing it head on.

fear of conflict

During my career, I often avoided conflict and found difficult conversations uncomfortable. I worried that my influence would be diminished or that my “likability” would suffer if I held people accountable or called them on their BS. As a result, I worried so much about the needs of other people that I put their needs above my own, regardless of how they treated me. 

I now realize that my past experiences triggered my tolerance for poor behavior and that many of my frustrations stemmed from my own inability to set clear boundaries. I was prioritizing being nice to others, regardless of their behavior, which was, in actuality, unkind to myself.

you get what you tolerate

This question generated an awareness that spurred a major mindset shift. I began to internalize the idea that I couldn’t change or fix other people, particularly if they are unwilling to change. I could only change myself and what I was willing to tolerate. 

What I discovered is that there will always be people who don’t value our time or our contributions or who fail to see us fully, and that creates conflict- it’s simply unavoidable. But if we want to face conflict with confidence, we have to give ourselves permission to set boundaries, say no, and advocate for ourselves, and we have to silence that inner critic that tells us if consider what we need or want, others will dislike us.

The most important lesson I've learned is that the way someone responds when we establish our boundaries says more about them than it does about our own self worth.

heart-centered leadership

My personal experience informed my decision to become the coach I would want to follow. I now help other women leaders give themselves permission to ask for what they need while setting boundaries that empower authentic leadership.

So, what are you tolerating?